Ants

 When the Daddy is home he carries a beer with him everywhere he goes.  One afternoon I happened upon an unsupervised open can of beer on the end table.  I realized very quickly that an opportunity such as this one may not present itself again for a very long time, so I took full advantage of it.  I picked up the can of beer and lifted it towards my mouth, but just as I was about to take a sip, the floor started to shake.... was it earthquake? a rouge elephant? noooooooo.  It was something much worse, a panicking Mama yelling NO was approaching.  Not being sure how to handle this situation, I decided that the only rational thing to do was to throw can of beer and run.  Beer went everywhere! and the Mama immediately retreated to get her towels and spray cleaner, mumbling something about not wanting ants in the house.  Personally I'm not sure why someone wouldn't want ants in their house, their lots of fun, and if you get bored watching them you can eat them.

The Shake Down

The Shake Down is not recommended for the novice Baby Bad Ass.  It's a multi tiered tactic of the highest complexity.  Precise timing and stealth judgement is necessary to be successful, and should you fail, you may never get a second chance at it. (seriously you need like mad skills to pull this off)  Your goal, to obtain all the Mama's most cherished items in one chaotic foul swoop.  This Rad move can be used in combination with The Starfish and Floppy Baby if needed.  First you need to have all your ducks in a row, the Mama has to be tired, she needs to have all her valuables on her person (you, the car keys, cell phone, wallet, the necklace that drives you nuts), and there needs to be an offensive receptacle present for her to try to put you down in, it's also helpful if she has to go to the bathroom really bad. This maneuver is most effective when just getting home after a long day out and about. First, wait till the Mama is fumbling to coordinate her valuables when entering the house then start fidgeting with her necklace, then as she's approaching the closest offensive receptacle to unload you into throw a grand tantrum that incorporates a combination of all your rad moves! she'll be so focused on not dropping you she'll never know what hit her!  If properly carried out you can have the complete contents of her wallet all over the floor and the sunglasses under the sofa (for you to retrieve later), and set off the car alarm in a matter of seconds :) 

The Tantrum

The tantrum, or as I like to call it the "Throw down", is by far one on the most versatile of all the rad moves.  When used appropriately, it's guaranteed to cause complete chaos wherever you should happen to be.   It's most effective in public situations when the Mommy or Daddy is trying to do something that doesn't appeal to you.  The Tantrum is easy to perform, a horizontal or vertical Baby Starfish combined with loud shrill screaming is really all that's needed to get the desired effect, but I recommend embellishing as you see fit with your own personal touches.   Situations when the tantrum may be useful include (but are certainly not limited to ) :

• the line at the post office
• elevators (captive audience)
• when the Mama won't let you nurse in the middle of the grocery store
• when the Mama or Daddy is on the phone
• when your mad because your the only one awake at 3:45 a.m.
• when there's a show that sucks on the TV
• when your snack cups empty
• when your head won't fit wherever you wanted to put it

Appropriate situations are endlessly abundant, so use your imagination and let it rip!

Sick Days: He who holds the remote control rules the world.

When the Daddy is home sick it's the perfect time to get acquainted with this elusive creature and assert yourself as the dominant force in the house hold.  Competition for the Mamas attention can become fierce when the Daddy isn't feeling well, so it's important to cling as tightly as possible to her but still give yourself enough wiggle room to interact with the Daddy as much as possible.  Accomplishing this feat is a delicate balancing act, but can be done with proper planning.  Start by making sure the Daddy is comfortable, you can usually tell when the Daddy is comfortable because he holds very still and makes a growling noise called snoring. Next, look around for the remote controls, the Daddy is normally very protective of these important devices, but will let his guard down when heavily sedated.  The most valuable of all the remote controls are the ones for the TV, and the DVD player,  Wii remotes are a bonus.  Don't get side tracked with one of those Sleepnumber bed remotes, I wasted a whole morning once trying to change the channel with one of those while the Daddy was sleeping (he wasn't happy when he woke up). Once you obtain all these powerful devices you'll be well on your way to achieving your goal.

Baby Star Fish

The Baby Star fish has a difficulty rating of 3 because it involves a high amount of physical strength to pull off and a lot of determination and stamina to follow through with.  But mastery of this devilish maneuver is essential if you want to avoid getting stuck in places you don't wanna be.  Circumstances where use of this move may be suitable include but are certainly not limited to are:

• the European Tummy Tub, if your not fimiliar with this device, your lucky. (the Mama loves it)
• the car seat
• the stroller
• the baby sling
• the grocery cart
• the scale at the pediatricians office
• laps of old people that smell funny

The concept of this rad move is relatively simple, spring into a starfish shape (like an umbrella opening) when the Mama trys to unload you into one of the above mentioned places. The key to achieving the perfect Baby Starfish is to remain as ridged as possible for as long as needed to avoid being placed in the offensive receptacle.  If done properly, the Mama will give up and and put you back on her hip (this is the goal :)   Be sure to reward the Mama with big hugs so she thinks she made the right choice.

WARNING:  Adults will attempt to bait you into submission with toys and other such goodies, ignore them! keep your eye on the prize, and ride high!

Poking the Bear

The big kid and I get told on a regular basis not to poke the bear, but because no one ever bothered to tell me specifically where the bear was or how to go about avoiding said bear, I just went about my business randomly poking pretty much anything within reach, hoping that if I should happen to encounter "the Bear" he'd be so impressed by my charm and superior wit that he wouldn't gobble me up in my tracks.  Well,  I've met "the Bear" turns out him and The Daddy are the same creature (who woulda thought)  oh, and I wouldn't recommend hitting bears in the crotch with large plastic trucks while they're watching TV :)

Floppy Baby

The Floppy Baby is a technique I've developed to keep adults from being able to pick me up when I don't want to be moved.  Generally I reserve use of this technique to thwart the Daddy's attempts to remove me from my cozy spot next to Mama in the big bed, but it's also useful at the pediatricians office.  I'm sure when you get it down, you'll find many of your own favorite situations to incorporate it into. It's very simple to master the Floppy Baby, so I give it a difficulty level of 1. First make sure the Daddy is very tired and really wants you out of the bed, then when he trys to pick you up, make your body completely limp and floppy like a rag doll, when he has to put you down, quickly scramble back to the cozy spot next to the Mama.  Be sure to giggle happily at your victory, and maybe even throw in a breathy "mamamama" , as the Mama is your strongest ally in The War of The Big Bed :)

Fun with The Mama

The Mama is always very busy, but she's also very easy to distract.  And because she's such a germaphobe, I like to wait till she's up to her elbows in something she'd never wanna get on me to reek havoc.  I'm not exactly sure what her problem with germs is, she's constantly wiping me off and cleaning things.  I personally like germs just fine, I got a few of them on me last week when I put her flip flops in the toilet, and I immediately put my new germs right in my mouth for safe keeping :)

The Daddy

The Daddy is an elusive creature, very seldom seen in the light of day.   He can most often be found in areas of the house that allow for lounging comfortably, like the bedroom or living room.   Occasionally there may be a Daddy spotting outside the house in the garage or on the lawn tractor.  He is also a frequent visitor at the dinner table.  Until just recently I thought the sleeping Daddy and the yard Daddy were two completely different people.   But after extensive study of this creatures behavioral patterns, I have a much better understanding of how he operates.  He should be a whole lot easier to set traps for now:)