The Traveling Throw Down

The Mama recently started doing this weird thing where she just walks away and goes about her business when I throw down ( see "The Tantrum") about whatever happens to be bothering me at the moment.  Sometimes I'm just mad because she put me down, sometimes she's not quick enough with my snacky cup.  Often the big kid or the Daddy are running interference and preventing me from achieving total Mama domination.  But I've devised a way to combat the ignoring of my need to be on her hip.  When the Mama walks away I simply pick up my tantrum and move it to wherever she happens to be.  This way I know that as long as I remain in her line of sight she cannot possibly ignore my angst.  Sometimes I have to relocate three or four times before she gives up and picks me back up, but the reward is well worth the theatrics involved. 

The Shake Down

The Shake Down is not recommended for the novice Baby Bad Ass.  It's a multi tiered tactic of the highest complexity.  Precise timing and stealth judgement is necessary to be successful, and should you fail, you may never get a second chance at it. (seriously you need like mad skills to pull this off)  Your goal, to obtain all the Mama's most cherished items in one chaotic foul swoop.  This Rad move can be used in combination with The Starfish and Floppy Baby if needed.  First you need to have all your ducks in a row, the Mama has to be tired, she needs to have all her valuables on her person (you, the car keys, cell phone, wallet, the necklace that drives you nuts), and there needs to be an offensive receptacle present for her to try to put you down in, it's also helpful if she has to go to the bathroom really bad. This maneuver is most effective when just getting home after a long day out and about. First, wait till the Mama is fumbling to coordinate her valuables when entering the house then start fidgeting with her necklace, then as she's approaching the closest offensive receptacle to unload you into throw a grand tantrum that incorporates a combination of all your rad moves! she'll be so focused on not dropping you she'll never know what hit her!  If properly carried out you can have the complete contents of her wallet all over the floor and the sunglasses under the sofa (for you to retrieve later), and set off the car alarm in a matter of seconds :) 

The Tantrum

The tantrum, or as I like to call it the "Throw down", is by far one on the most versatile of all the rad moves.  When used appropriately, it's guaranteed to cause complete chaos wherever you should happen to be.   It's most effective in public situations when the Mommy or Daddy is trying to do something that doesn't appeal to you.  The Tantrum is easy to perform, a horizontal or vertical Baby Starfish combined with loud shrill screaming is really all that's needed to get the desired effect, but I recommend embellishing as you see fit with your own personal touches.   Situations when the tantrum may be useful include (but are certainly not limited to ) :

• the line at the post office
• elevators (captive audience)
• when the Mama won't let you nurse in the middle of the grocery store
• when the Mama or Daddy is on the phone
• when your mad because your the only one awake at 3:45 a.m.
• when there's a show that sucks on the TV
• when your snack cups empty
• when your head won't fit wherever you wanted to put it

Appropriate situations are endlessly abundant, so use your imagination and let it rip!

Baby Star Fish

The Baby Star fish has a difficulty rating of 3 because it involves a high amount of physical strength to pull off and a lot of determination and stamina to follow through with.  But mastery of this devilish maneuver is essential if you want to avoid getting stuck in places you don't wanna be.  Circumstances where use of this move may be suitable include but are certainly not limited to are:

• the European Tummy Tub, if your not fimiliar with this device, your lucky. (the Mama loves it)
• the car seat
• the stroller
• the baby sling
• the grocery cart
• the scale at the pediatricians office
• laps of old people that smell funny

The concept of this rad move is relatively simple, spring into a starfish shape (like an umbrella opening) when the Mama trys to unload you into one of the above mentioned places. The key to achieving the perfect Baby Starfish is to remain as ridged as possible for as long as needed to avoid being placed in the offensive receptacle.  If done properly, the Mama will give up and and put you back on her hip (this is the goal :)   Be sure to reward the Mama with big hugs so she thinks she made the right choice.

WARNING:  Adults will attempt to bait you into submission with toys and other such goodies, ignore them! keep your eye on the prize, and ride high!

Floppy Baby

The Floppy Baby is a technique I've developed to keep adults from being able to pick me up when I don't want to be moved.  Generally I reserve use of this technique to thwart the Daddy's attempts to remove me from my cozy spot next to Mama in the big bed, but it's also useful at the pediatricians office.  I'm sure when you get it down, you'll find many of your own favorite situations to incorporate it into. It's very simple to master the Floppy Baby, so I give it a difficulty level of 1. First make sure the Daddy is very tired and really wants you out of the bed, then when he trys to pick you up, make your body completely limp and floppy like a rag doll, when he has to put you down, quickly scramble back to the cozy spot next to the Mama.  Be sure to giggle happily at your victory, and maybe even throw in a breathy "mamamama" , as the Mama is your strongest ally in The War of The Big Bed :)