Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Mama's day is the most important of all the holidays. It even rates higher than our birthdays. This is the day that mothers everywhere celebrate the joyous occasion of giving birth and becoming Mamas. The Mama's work very hard for us and are tirelessly devoted. They certainly deserve a full day of rest and relaxation (but that's not happening because that would interfere with my schedule) so in honor of this most very special day, I intend to reward my Mama for all her hard work by smothering her with giggles and kisses every chance I get. She's very special so I need to dominate ALL her time reminding her of how lucky she is to be MY Mama :) And just in case The Daddy has any ideas about dumping me with the crazy old people and taking her out.... I'm going to start coughing now :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Pop Pop is an interesting creature. He shows up unexpectedly bearing gifts that make the Mama nervous. Last night he showed up at our house with bags and bags of colorful sparkling circles called bracelets. He dumped them all out on the floor and we picked them all up again and put them in different containers. I found a really neat super cool string on the ground that I wanted for myself, but it was covered with annoying little shells and beads. So I took it over in the corner, ripped it with my teeth, dumped all the beads, than took my new string to show the Mama. She was not happy, she was yelling because all the beads and shells had disappeared and everyone kept looking in my mouth (I watch Cops, you'd have to be an idiot to hide things in there). I convinced the Mama I was perfectly fine, and insisted that everyone should enjoy my new string as much as I did, and all the worry was soon forgotten. And the Mama was very happy later when she changed my footy jammas and got all the beads back :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Mama recently started doing this weird thing where she just walks away and goes about her business when I throw down ( see "The Tantrum") about whatever happens to be bothering me at the moment. Sometimes I'm just mad because she put me down, sometimes she's not quick enough with my snacky cup. Often the big kid or the Daddy are running interference and preventing me from achieving total Mama domination. But I've devised a way to combat the ignoring of my need to be on her hip. When the Mama walks away I simply pick up my tantrum and move it to wherever she happens to be. This way I know that as long as I remain in her line of sight she cannot possibly ignore my angst. Sometimes I have to relocate three or four times before she gives up and picks me back up, but the reward is well worth the theatrics involved.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
When the Daddy is home he carries a beer with him everywhere he goes. One afternoon I happened upon an unsupervised open can of beer on the end table. I realized very quickly that an opportunity such as this one may not present itself again for a very long time, so I took full advantage of it. I picked up the can of beer and lifted it towards my mouth, but just as I was about to take a sip, the floor started to shake.... was it earthquake? a rouge elephant? noooooooo. It was something much worse, a panicking Mama yelling NO was approaching. Not being sure how to handle this situation, I decided that the only rational thing to do was to throw can of beer and run. Beer went everywhere! and the Mama immediately retreated to get her towels and spray cleaner, mumbling something about not wanting ants in the house. Personally I'm not sure why someone wouldn't want ants in their house, their lots of fun, and if you get bored watching them you can eat them.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Shake Down is not recommended for the novice Baby Bad Ass. It's a multi tiered tactic of the highest complexity. Precise timing and stealth judgement is necessary to be successful, and should you fail, you may never get a second chance at it. (seriously you need like mad skills to pull this off) Your goal, to obtain all the Mama's most cherished items in one chaotic foul swoop. This Rad move can be used in combination with The Starfish and Floppy Baby if needed. First you need to have all your ducks in a row, the Mama has to be tired, she needs to have all her valuables on her person (you, the car keys, cell phone, wallet, the necklace that drives you nuts), and there needs to be an offensive receptacle present for her to try to put you down in, it's also helpful if she has to go to the bathroom really bad. This maneuver is most effective when just getting home after a long day out and about. First, wait till the Mama is fumbling to coordinate her valuables when entering the house then start fidgeting with her necklace, then as she's approaching the closest offensive receptacle to unload you into throw a grand tantrum that incorporates a combination of all your rad moves! she'll be so focused on not dropping you she'll never know what hit her! If properly carried out you can have the complete contents of her wallet all over the floor and the sunglasses under the sofa (for you to retrieve later), and set off the car alarm in a matter of seconds :)
Friday, October 8, 2010
The tantrum, or as I like to call it the "Throw down", is by far one on the most versatile of all the rad moves. When used appropriately, it's guaranteed to cause complete chaos wherever you should happen to be. It's most effective in public situations when the Mommy or Daddy is trying to do something that doesn't appeal to you. The Tantrum is easy to perform, a horizontal or vertical Baby Starfish combined with loud shrill screaming is really all that's needed to get the desired effect, but I recommend embellishing as you see fit with your own personal touches. Situations when the tantrum may be useful include (but are certainly not limited to ) :
- the line at the post office
- elevators (captive audience)
- when the Mama won't let you nurse in the middle of the grocery store
- when the Mama or Daddy is on the phone
- when your mad because your the only one awake at 3:45 a.m.
- when there's a show that sucks on the TV
- when your snack cups empty
- when your head won't fit wherever you wanted to put it